This Old MySpace

Hi. I'm Nyteowl Villa, and this is "This Old MySpace". We take underachieving MySpace pages and upgrade them.

This week, we heard from a distraught MySpacer named Tina. She only had 7 friends on her page, and when we got there, we could tell why. The page was an absolute mess! So come along while we fix up Tina's on-line crib on "This Old MySpace".

What you see here is the background. It's horrible. Tina's laid out a basic light blue. You can read all the print--definitely a MySpace no-no--with a basic black font. So we corrected this by asking Tina what her favorite color was. She said she loved red. So we selected a neon red from our sponsor, "MySpacePimper", and laid it down as the basic foundation for her page.

The next step was to work on the actual words. Tina had chosen arial for her font, and that could stay. But the color of the type had to be changed. Black still stood out way too much, so we changed the color to pink. Notice the how the colors blend in together, making all the type virtually unreadable.

Now that we have the garish color layout completed, let's look at Tina's account name. "Country Girl Tina" is fine for AOL but not nearly hip enough for her MySpace neighbors. What we're going to do is change that to "Country Bytch Hootchie Princess Tina". Tina can have it both ways here: She gives a shout out to her roots while at the same time reaching out to the urban stylings of her new mindless friends. Also, we're listing her as being from "Bytchville". That's SO much cooler and hip than saying she's from Greenville or Charlotte or any real town.

Next we had "MySpacePimper" come in and lay out pictures of some of Tina's favorite things. Notice how skillfully the Captain Morgan Rum pictures buffer up against pictures of herself, her car, and her favorite rocker Marilyn Manson. Now Manson isn't her favorite rocker--in fact, she can't stand him/her/it (who can?)--but Manson conveys to her neighbors that she's cool because she'll listen to some psychopath that stuffy uncool people want to have shot. Notice how all the pictures will stay in place as you scroll down the page. This is another important factor in making the page difficult to read.

Next, let's tear down that picture of Tina and her smile. We sent her to the "MySpacePimper" photography studios to get a REAL MySpace profile photo taken. Notice how her smile has been replaced by a condescending sneer. This lets people know that Tina thinks she's much better than they'll ever be, and that makes her just that much cooler. Remember: the more pictures, the better. That way, it slows the page down even more.

If you look behind me, you can see the cranes hauling in the sparkly banners. This just might be one of the MOST important additions to a successful "MySpace" page! It's VERY important to have a banner that refers to people as "bitches and pimps". I cannot stress this ENOUGH, people! And I beg you to put up banners that sparkle. The mentally challenged LOVE things that sparkle.

And make sure these banners contain the words like: bitch, pimp, fuck, ass, scrotum, suck, blow, etc.... Also, insult people. Refer to visitors of your page as losers and morons and tell them to kiss your glorious ass. Let people know that if they hate you, it's because you're so incredibly wonderful. It's an honor for them to have you tell them that they suck dick.

We're also installing some non-sparkly banners which have sayings like: "love sucks, so I shot my neighbor's goldfish". This reinforces your stupidity and also shows how cool you are because you're cynical and sarcastic and say things that make no sense.

Another nice touch is to put up one of those "types" banners. Such as "if you were a reincarnated animal, what type would you be?" These aren't for other people to take, but for you to take. Go to "Moronic Personality MySpace Psychological Tests" and find out what kind of lemur you are and post it. Find out what kind of igneous rock you are and post THAT. Post as many as you like! Tina took the "If You Were A Bar, What Kind Of Bar Would You Be?" test. She's a "honkey tonk". We installed a fantastic graphic of deserted tavern in the Rockies.

Tina also took the "If You Were An STD, What Type Would You Be?" test. Tina was thrilled to learn she was "chlamydia". For that, we're hoisting up a cartoon STD strain called "Clammy". This animated cutie jumps from cocks to pussies with a huge smile on his face all while saying "I'm spreading the love!" Clammy is adorable! Clammy shows that you're hip, don't fear getting laid, and that there's no shame in a quick trip to the local free clinic.

Also, we're putting up a calendar for Tina. This way, she can list all the upcoming events in the life of the person that matters most: herself. Tina's calendar is in the shape of a fish, since she's a pisces. The fish is purple and flops around like it's struggling to breath. How cool is that? Our buddies at Obnoxious MySpace Graphics provided this calendar free of charge!

Make sure you post one of those questionnaires that ask you dozens of pointless questions about your childhood and life in general. Answer these questions with disdain and be as filp as possible. You must show that you're so cool that you don't take questionnaires seriously, even though you posted one.

I suggest that you go with fifty questions MINIMUM. Remember, YOU are the most important person in the world, and your MySpace page should reflect that! People want to learn about YOU! Otherwise, they wouldn't be on your cool, hip, internet hangout!

Now for the music. You MUST have at least one song that locks up your visitors' internet browsers while it loads. Any type of music will do. Just make sure it's so loud that it'll have your visitors clicking for their volume control in a matter of seconds. Also remember: there's nothing people like more than looking up at the top of their browser and seeing the message "not responding". Music and pictures are the magic formula which make these magic words appear.

Tina has selected Christina Aguilera's "You Are Beautiful" for her main song, and will make mention that the song should really be about her. You could also load up a song from a band that nobody who isn't a college student has ever heard of. This makes you look like you're into the independent music scene--and shows once again why you're just that much better than everybody else.

This has been one major renovation, but it's been well worth it. Tina keeps emailing us and asking "when is you bitches gonna be done?". She's learning! But before we can put our tools away and help the next phony, we need to touch on one last subject.

Tina only has seven friends. What she'll have to do is find another MySpace profile and request to be added. Then she can go to all that person's friends and ask to be added. Since MySpacers measure their self worth in how many "friends" they have, nobody will turn down her request. Every time Tina gets an add, she will have to grant an add and place a message on each and every person's page who has added her that says "SHOWIN' THE LOVE!". This is a required ritual among MySpace natives, and not one to be ignored or taken lightly.

And remember: if you see a famous person on MySpace, just assume it's really that person and ask for an add. Don't worry. You'll get it.

One Week Later

Hey, this is Nyteowl Villa again! It's been a week since "This Old MySpace" renovated Tina's page and she's added even more pictures! It's wall to wall in some places! We are SO proud! Tina's sneers and snarls can be seen all over the page. But the real proof in the pudding is her friends list! Tina has 12,000 new and close friends! Hey, that's SHOWIN' LOVE!

Boy, Tina is one smart bytch!

Thanks again for joining for another episode of "This Old MySpace". Be sure to join us for another episode! And remember: Nothing is more important than YOU!