More MySpace Laughs

There's a MyShrine page that's SUPPOSED to be that of Cleveland Browns head coach Romeo Crennel. And while most of this sounds pretty angry, I'm really laughing my head off as I write it.

I highly doubt the real Romeo would:

----Put "No More Mo" on his profile after having had to fire his longtime friend;

----Have a Jack Daniels background theme;

----Belong to a MyScum group named "Steelers Fucking Suck! Browns Kick Ass!" (Wow, what a deep thinking group THAT must be!).

----Have "P. Diddy" listed in the same group of "Heroes" that includes Bill Parcells, Mike Ditka, and Bill Belichick. I'm sorry....I just don't see Romeo grooving to Pissy Diddy.

----Have a banner that says "This space pimped by myspacepimper.com" on his page.

Myspacepimper......how appropriated for a site where so many people think it's cool to refer to themselves as "pimps" and "bitches". Nothing says "desperate to be cool by being classless and unoriginal" more than MySlime. Why go to the trouble of thinking when you can merely parrot what the rest of the "kewl" kids are saying? I mean "cool PIMPS".

Pimped by MySpacepimper. Not DESIGNED by MySpacepimper.

PIMPED by the pimper. Is it "pimpalicious" or "pimpariffic", or both? Let's go watch "Pimpy Longstocking"! Everybody follow the pimper! Even MySludge's graphics businesses are ignorantly hip.

Peter Pimper pimped a pimp of pimpled pimpers..... She pimps pimp shells by the pimp shore.... Pimped in the pimp of time..... Better pimped than never...... Ignorance is pimp.... Pimp in the name of love.....

Okay....I'm getting off track here.....we all know what a "bitch" that is.

Anyway, "Romeo" has 1734 "friends". Among them, TWO have figured out this isn't the real Crennel. WOW! A WHOLE TWO! LMAO The imposter made his mistake about Romeo's birthday and somehow, one of these "kewl" people caught it.

Among the rest, well.....you know. The comments page is loaded with compliments about Romeo firing Carthon. It's unbelieveable. Yeah, I'm sure the real Romeo would appreciate all the shit you assholes are saying about his buddy. Since you believe this is the real Romeo, how about saying something more conciliatory than that? You know, be nice-- like you are in your letters to Santa Claus.

Oh, MyPimpers.....just a little heads up here. I highly doubt any NFL player or coach's MySwine page is legit. NFL players and coaches really have better things to do than hanging around MyScum looking at pretty banners and "showin' love". Fucking NFL coaches work around 70-80 hours a week. 7 days a week.

Do you people REALLY think after a 14 hour day, a coach gets home and thinks "I'd better check my MyEgo page."? Yeah, RIGHT. Are you fucking serious??????? Here's a tip in general: If ANYBODY who's famous has a MyPuke page, view it with exteme skepticism (look it up). Quit looking at the pretty banners. Pull your heads out of your asses, you morons.

These people have gobs of money. If anything, they usually just pay someone to set up their own personal website.

So Kellen Winslow's page is probably a fake. Ty Law's is probably a fake. Jim Tressel's is probably a fake. Leigh Bodden's page is probably a fake. And by "probably" I mean "definitely". And that's why I think 99.9 percent of you are "probably" pretty fucking stupid.

But you know whose MyBarf page is probably real? The actor who played Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch. HIS page is real. Because, let's face it......MyVomit is where people like him end up. Fuck, I wouldn't be surprised if Danny Bonaduce has one. HIS, if it exists, is probably real, just like the one belonging to Robbie Rist (Cousin Rodent).

(10.25.06)

Update: That MySpace page was taken down, presumably by the impersonator. No doubt he had a great laugh at the tools he jerked around. I still laugh about how many people he fooled.

I Need A MyScum Break

MyScum world headquarters.

I can't take it anymore. I'm not looking at another MySlime--and I DO mean slime--profile for the rest of the year. Oh, I'll look at them again. It's a source of cheap laughs and it deserves to be mocked. But I have to stay away for awhile. I need a break. And so do you. But before we take this break (which will probably end up being a one month break, what can I say?), let's have "one for the road".

While it may seem like I go to MyPig and look at profiles, that isn't the case. Lots of people on Yahoo have their MyScum page linked to their profiles and that's where I find them. The last one I saw was the straw that really tweaked the camel's back and sent him to the chiropracter.

Before I put down what I read, I'd like to say that while I swear like a sailor and say "fuck" like it's fucking going out of fucking style, I never resort to bathroom humor. If I want that, all I have to do is turn on virtually any so-called situation comedy these days. And I'm not quoting this profile for laughs, but merely to make a point.

This woman, of course, listed herself as being from "Hootchieville". Of course she did. The mentally impaired do things like that. Anyway, underneath her profile pic, she wrote--and I quote--"It Stinks In Here Because I'm The Shit!".

WHAT????????????????????

So this stupid, egotistical asshole thinks she's giving herself "props" by saying she's a piece of shit? She's so great, she's shit. You have to be kidding. And she doesn't even get it. Typical MyPig idiot/moron/social reject/fucktard/bytch/pimp. I won't go so far as to call MyStupidity "decadent", but it's pretty close. How fucking childish can you get?

Come on. "Hey, look at me! I'm shit!". Truly, this bytch has mastered the art of self description. Congrats, skank-ho'. You should be very proud. And I'm sure you are. And rest assured, this IS an adult (well, chronologically) and not some giggly kid joking around. It's someone who SHOULD know better. Pathetic.

So for now, MyShitters, go fuck yourselves. Go fuck your sparkly banners and stupid "If I were a whore, what kind would I be?" quizzes. Go fuck your two thousand pretend friends. Go fuck your massive, attention seeking egos. Go fuck your pictures. Go fuck your "adds". See you in a bit. I can only run my tongue over that cold sore in my mouth so many times. I WILL mention you one time in my Christmas List for the Insane that'll come up in December, but other than that, nothin'.

So till the new year rolls around, take care. And make sure to keep "Showin' Love!".

This Old MySpace

Hi. I'm Nyteowl Villa, and this is "This Old MySpace". We take underachieving MySpace pages and upgrade them.

This week, we heard from a distraught MySpacer named Tina. She only had 7 friends on her page, and when we got there, we could tell why. The page was an absolute mess! So come along while we fix up Tina's on-line crib on "This Old MySpace".

What you see here is the background. It's horrible. Tina's laid out a basic light blue. You can read all the print--definitely a MySpace no-no--with a basic black font. So we corrected this by asking Tina what her favorite color was. She said she loved red. So we selected a neon red from our sponsor, "MySpacePimper", and laid it down as the basic foundation for her page.

The next step was to work on the actual words. Tina had chosen arial for her font, and that could stay. But the color of the type had to be changed. Black still stood out way too much, so we changed the color to pink. Notice the how the colors blend in together, making all the type virtually unreadable.

Now that we have the garish color layout completed, let's look at Tina's account name. "Country Girl Tina" is fine for AOL but not nearly hip enough for her MySpace neighbors. What we're going to do is change that to "Country Bytch Hootchie Princess Tina". Tina can have it both ways here: She gives a shout out to her roots while at the same time reaching out to the urban stylings of her new mindless friends. Also, we're listing her as being from "Bytchville". That's SO much cooler and hip than saying she's from Greenville or Charlotte or any real town.

Next we had "MySpacePimper" come in and lay out pictures of some of Tina's favorite things. Notice how skillfully the Captain Morgan Rum pictures buffer up against pictures of herself, her car, and her favorite rocker Marilyn Manson. Now Manson isn't her favorite rocker--in fact, she can't stand him/her/it (who can?)--but Manson conveys to her neighbors that she's cool because she'll listen to some psychopath that stuffy uncool people want to have shot. Notice how all the pictures will stay in place as you scroll down the page. This is another important factor in making the page difficult to read.

Next, let's tear down that picture of Tina and her smile. We sent her to the "MySpacePimper" photography studios to get a REAL MySpace profile photo taken. Notice how her smile has been replaced by a condescending sneer. This lets people know that Tina thinks she's much better than they'll ever be, and that makes her just that much cooler. Remember: the more pictures, the better. That way, it slows the page down even more.

If you look behind me, you can see the cranes hauling in the sparkly banners. This just might be one of the MOST important additions to a successful "MySpace" page! It's VERY important to have a banner that refers to people as "bitches and pimps". I cannot stress this ENOUGH, people! And I beg you to put up banners that sparkle. The mentally challenged LOVE things that sparkle.

And make sure these banners contain the words like: bitch, pimp, fuck, ass, scrotum, suck, blow, etc.... Also, insult people. Refer to visitors of your page as losers and morons and tell them to kiss your glorious ass. Let people know that if they hate you, it's because you're so incredibly wonderful. It's an honor for them to have you tell them that they suck dick.

We're also installing some non-sparkly banners which have sayings like: "love sucks, so I shot my neighbor's goldfish". This reinforces your stupidity and also shows how cool you are because you're cynical and sarcastic and say things that make no sense.

Another nice touch is to put up one of those "types" banners. Such as "if you were a reincarnated animal, what type would you be?" These aren't for other people to take, but for you to take. Go to "Moronic Personality MySpace Psychological Tests" and find out what kind of lemur you are and post it. Find out what kind of igneous rock you are and post THAT. Post as many as you like! Tina took the "If You Were A Bar, What Kind Of Bar Would You Be?" test. She's a "honkey tonk". We installed a fantastic graphic of deserted tavern in the Rockies.

Tina also took the "If You Were An STD, What Type Would You Be?" test. Tina was thrilled to learn she was "chlamydia". For that, we're hoisting up a cartoon STD strain called "Clammy". This animated cutie jumps from cocks to pussies with a huge smile on his face all while saying "I'm spreading the love!" Clammy is adorable! Clammy shows that you're hip, don't fear getting laid, and that there's no shame in a quick trip to the local free clinic.

Also, we're putting up a calendar for Tina. This way, she can list all the upcoming events in the life of the person that matters most: herself. Tina's calendar is in the shape of a fish, since she's a pisces. The fish is purple and flops around like it's struggling to breath. How cool is that? Our buddies at Obnoxious MySpace Graphics provided this calendar free of charge!

Make sure you post one of those questionnaires that ask you dozens of pointless questions about your childhood and life in general. Answer these questions with disdain and be as filp as possible. You must show that you're so cool that you don't take questionnaires seriously, even though you posted one.

I suggest that you go with fifty questions MINIMUM. Remember, YOU are the most important person in the world, and your MySpace page should reflect that! People want to learn about YOU! Otherwise, they wouldn't be on your cool, hip, internet hangout!

Now for the music. You MUST have at least one song that locks up your visitors' internet browsers while it loads. Any type of music will do. Just make sure it's so loud that it'll have your visitors clicking for their volume control in a matter of seconds. Also remember: there's nothing people like more than looking up at the top of their browser and seeing the message "not responding". Music and pictures are the magic formula which make these magic words appear.

Tina has selected Christina Aguilera's "You Are Beautiful" for her main song, and will make mention that the song should really be about her. You could also load up a song from a band that nobody who isn't a college student has ever heard of. This makes you look like you're into the independent music scene--and shows once again why you're just that much better than everybody else.

This has been one major renovation, but it's been well worth it. Tina keeps emailing us and asking "when is you bitches gonna be done?". She's learning! But before we can put our tools away and help the next phony, we need to touch on one last subject.

Tina only has seven friends. What she'll have to do is find another MySpace profile and request to be added. Then she can go to all that person's friends and ask to be added. Since MySpacers measure their self worth in how many "friends" they have, nobody will turn down her request. Every time Tina gets an add, she will have to grant an add and place a message on each and every person's page who has added her that says "SHOWIN' THE LOVE!". This is a required ritual among MySpace natives, and not one to be ignored or taken lightly.

And remember: if you see a famous person on MySpace, just assume it's really that person and ask for an add. Don't worry. You'll get it.

One Week Later

Hey, this is Nyteowl Villa again! It's been a week since "This Old MySpace" renovated Tina's page and she's added even more pictures! It's wall to wall in some places! We are SO proud! Tina's sneers and snarls can be seen all over the page. But the real proof in the pudding is her friends list! Tina has 12,000 new and close friends! Hey, that's SHOWIN' LOVE!

Boy, Tina is one smart bytch!

Thanks again for joining for another episode of "This Old MySpace". Be sure to join us for another episode! And remember: Nothing is more important than YOU!

By George, I Don't Think He's Got It!

Slick joins the Columbus Police Department's "Ride-A-Long" program.

"HEY! Thish ishn't Denny's!"

Last weekend, a cheerleader for THE Ohio State University, George Karadimas, stayed home in Columbus, while the football team went down to Austin, Texas, to play the Longhorns. Even though he didn't go, George was still pretty excited after the Buckeyes won the game. While forty fires were going on in celebration that night, George had his own way of celebrating. He went and had some drinky-drinky, and decided he was sober enough to drive.

The three people he plowed into probably would have disagreed with that. George ended up hitting a fireman and the vice president of Ohio State and her husband. That was smart. All three were okay, happily, and George spent some time getting free room and board in jail. The official charge? Aggravated vehicular assault.

Hey George, I have a suggestion: transfer.

Oh well, no MyShrine comments today, right? Wrong. Of course George has a MyScum profile! Sadly, it can't be viewed by the general public. How we'll survive this, I don't know. However, from what I DID see, George does have a quote for viewing. And the Lord said, "Let there be George." Humble kid, huh?

Another stunning triumph for "outcome based education". Good thing we concentrate on self-esteem as much as the three "R's". Of course, I accidentally on purpose stole his picture. Maybe I should contact one of my old teachers and get a ribbon for it.

(Originally posted 9/15/2006)

The Things We Do For Love

Smile for the camera, Heather! What do you have to say in your defense?

"It was the music! It fucked up my mind and totally locked up my computer! Don't the police have better things to do than prevent murders?"

I've really GOT to cancel my MySlime--uh, MySpace--registration. I haven't done that yet due to sheer laziness. But now, and HERE'S a shocker, the email address I registered with is starting to get hit with porn spam. Hey, I got NOTHING against porn. I just can't stand spam. Especially when it's spamming for something that any idiot (such as, well, myself) can find for free. Anybody who buys porn on the internet must also be stupid enough to buy such hard to find things as email accounts and air.

Anyway......to the lovely lady pictured above.

Ever feel like the smartest person in the world? That's kind of how I'm feeling right now. The smug get....more smug? Smugger? Smugly? Smuglier? Whatever it is, I am.

Rage Over MySpace Photo Leads to Arrest

MESA, Ariz. (Sept. 14) - A 22-year-old woman was arrested after authorities say she tried to hire someone to kill another woman whose photo appeared on her boyfriend's MySpace.com Web page.

Heather Michelle Kane was booked Tuesday for investigation of conspiracy to commit murder, Mesa Detective Jerry Gissel said. She was arrested after she met an undercover Mesa police detective at a grocery store, gave the officer $400 and offered to pay an additional $100 once the woman had been killed, according to court records.

The records say Kane gave the undercover officer photographs taken from her boyfriend's social networking Web page of the woman she wanted killed. She also requested a photo of the woman's dead body.

It wasn't clear if the boyfriend and the targeted woman were romantically involved, Gissel said.

"Social networking"? Does that now mean "narcissistic people creating meaningless tributes to themselves and trying desperately to be cool by adding anyone and everyone that breathes"? Then MySpace, is indeed, all about "social networking".

I know it seems like I'm obsessed with this on-line Studio 54 (and let's face it, the only thing missing from this "community" are strobe lights and disco balls), but really, I had no intention of mentioning it today. But when the universe drops something like THIS in my lap, I'm obliged to repay. You know, so I can be "showin' the love" (as they like to say in the land that intellect forgot).

And while someone can make the argument that this could've happened anywhere on-line and be correct, the simple fact is that it DIDN'T happen anywhere else. It happened on MyScum.

(Originally posted 9/14/2006)

Just A MySpace Rant

This is about as deep a thinker as you'll get on MySpaceBetweenTheEars.

A few months ago, I registered on MySpace. Not to put up a profile, but to see somebody else's . A couple of days after I registered my email, I got an invitation from a 21 year-old brunette from California to link up to her page. Yeah. That happens every day. So I checked out her profile and realized I had been given the opportunity to join her circle of friends. All 1800 of them. I couldn't hit the "no way do I accept" button fast enough. As for MySpace itself, I really felt the need to take a shower after seeing some of those profiles.

So...who was MY celebrity lookalike?

That's right. Shannen Doherty. I think I took the quiz incorrectly.

(Originally posted 8/19/2006)